The Grizzly LHS Newspaper

Witch Hunt Mania

By Seth Hummiston, Staff Writer 

Warning: Much sarcasm in article, do not be insulted if you are a Wal-Mart greeter or have Wal-Mart greeter affiliations

   In the safety of the Rocky Mountains, Cache Valley is isolated from certain influences such as tornadoes, foreigners, and culture. However blessed we are by such isolation, it is also a curse. The very mountains that hold the dangers of the outside world out, also hold us in and make us a very secluded people.

   Seclusion has a habit of bringing out the most suspicious parts of human nature. When locked safely away from the world, the citizens of Salem Village managed to convince themselves that witches were in their midst, as was proven when odd neighbors refused to float like normal people in the river.

   Theodore Kaczynski, when cut off from the world, grew suspicious and frightened of other people and like any other sane person, decided to get rid of people. Similarly, witch hunt mania is coming to Logan.

   At some point many of us have wondered why Wal-Mart seems to hire only the creepiest of people as greeters. Many of us have also noticed that the Logan City seems to attract a strange crowd from the outside world, if movies made before the 1995 release of Toy Story are to be believed, these outsiders are all evil and may even be part of one large diabolical plot. Whether it is the wart on the nose, the hunched backs, or the general feeling that these people each have a voodoo doll of you, there is something that just doesn’t sit right about greeters and outsiders.

   There are a number of oddities about Cache Valley that could be caused by these people in their heathen practices. These oddities can be observed by the facts that there is always someone else on your block that has a greener lawn, our roads acquire potholes in the most inconvenient of locations, and for some unexplained reason Cache Valley residents tend to vote republican.

   There can be only one solution to the possession of Logan by witches; we need to hunt them out. As citizens we can watch our neighbors closely for irregularities in their routine. If someone seems odd to you, it is your responsibility to monitor that person so that your neighbors don’t get turned into voodoo dolls or toads.

   If indeed we have been infiltrated by these heathen influences we need to purge Cache Valley of the evils that they bring. We need to burn the evil out of those in tune with the devils and crush confessions out of those possessed. As a community Cache Valley citizens need to find the witches and see to it that they stop working their evil upon us. We need to decide now before it becomes too late, so we will not be possessed.